Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Targeted Achievements.

It's been a while, i know, and i have been horribly busy. Didnt even play FFXI, my otherwise favourite game, in quite a while. However, I did quite a lot of sports, to lose some weight.

Even if it might sound rather obsessed, I will give you a short insight into the whole dilemma.

When i was a bit younger, and still on the pill, i gained so much that i ended up with 72 / 73 kg which made me look like a pig. I am 178 cm tall (that is 5'10"), i know that you will most likely say "wha, but that is still totally slim" and so on - believe me, i was not. And it felt horrible. So I did some sports -- and achieved nothing. Even if I kept eating a bit less than before (I changed nutrition and i did quite some sports, but it didnt help). As sad as it might sound, the only times when i managed to get rid of some was during my bulimic and my anorexic times. Usually the bulimia followed the anorexia, because i like food and cant stand not to eat anything at all, so it looked like the better option. Despite all those talks about "you get the calories immediately after swallowing down the food" etc. I got down to 67 with that.
Then i managed to control myself and get back to normal, plus - I dont know how, but I somehow got down to 60. Yay, this is where i liked myself most. not less, not more. However, then i went to the USA for 10 days, and believe it or not, gained 6 kg. It really is true what they say about the size of the food there. Unfortunately i never managed to get rid of it, just keep it, until i got to the hospital for the jaw surgery. Since you are basically just allowed to eat soup, and later mashed potatoes and yoghurt (which you need almost an hour for!) I lost enough to get back to the 60s and felt awesome.
Then the real food came again, and with it the weight - now i'm on 64 - 65 again... it is unbearable. Whatever I do (loads of sports) it seems to not work at all... Probably because i sometimes have to eat in the evenings, due to my full schedule during daytime.
So my goal is to get those 4 - 5 kg down by the end of this year, the latest. Rather sooner than later....then i need to get something else done (nothing bad) and everything's good.

And also i apparently fulfill every bit of the AAD(H)D checklist from the english wikipedia website. Worrying? Yes, but only because someone listed the characteristics of my life without letting me know first. But it'd also explain the eating habit obsession (see the german wikipedia).  It also explains why i keep being in some sort of emotional distress when i get pre-surgery-narcotics... like what happened last year (see previous post).
So, i have never seen a doctor about this. And i am most likely never going to, they would just laugh at me anyways. And hey, why be fixed when it is so extremely awesome to be a free spirit, even when you get heavy mood swings and are highly disorganised? You breathe in life, you are more sensitive than most people, you learn many different things because most things interest you... actually everything does, it is just a matter of how well for example the articles you inhale are being written.

Why is it good for me to know that it might be AADHD? I can tell the nurse in the hospital in december to not give me this pill.

Friday, October 13, 2006


Go, try it! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2387173299273855247&q=loituma

Nuapurista kuulu se polokan tahti jalakani pohjii kutkutti.

Ievan äiti se tyttöösä vahti vaan kyllähän Ieva sen jutkutti,

sillä ei meitä silloin kiellot haittaa kun myö tanssimme laiasta laitaan.

Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen.

Ievan suu oli vehnäsellä ko immeiset onnee toevotti.

Peä oli märkänä jokaisella ja viulu se vinku ja voevotti.

Ei tätä poikoo märkyys haittaa sillon ko laskoo laiasta laitaan.

Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen.

Ievan äiti se kammarissa virsiä veisata huijjuutti,

kun tämä poika naapurissa ämmän tyttöä nuijjuutti.

Eikä tätä poikoo ämmät haittaa sillon ko laskoo laiasta laitaan.

Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen.

Hilli gotte hilli gotte hilli balle hilla hilli gotte hilli gotte hilli bamba

jalli golli jalla dalli dulli jalla tilli talli tilli talli tilli tanda.

Halli dulli jalla tilli dulli dalla tilli tilli tilli tilli tilli tilli dalla

halli dulli tilli talli jalla dijalla tilli dalli talli dalli helanda.

Rimpa diralla ribi dalli ralla rumpa dirumpa ribidambu

janka rinka rip tabi dabalan tulli tulli rallan tibirandu.

Ja zup zob baridik bari gon lan lik barili lan diz dan du

la libidabi dala rup ba di rubi ra gan buri kan buck aja gidi gan gu.

Rak zuki za ja ribi da bidin la biriz dan din lan den lan do

a birik kapita barik bari baribiribiribiris den den lan do.

Jaba dillas dillan de ja do adabedabedabe dubedabe du ja bum

badis dan din las den lan do badake dake dake du du de ja do.

Siellä oli lystiä soiton jäläkeen sain minä kerran sytkyyttee.

Kottiin ko mäntii ni ämmä se riitelj ja Ieva jo alako nyyhkyytteek.

Minä sanon Ievalle mitäpä se haittaa laskemma vielähi laiasta laitaa.

Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen.

Muorille sanon jotta tukkee suusi en ruppee sun terveyttäs takkoomaa.

Terveenä peäset ku korjoot luusi ja määt siitä murjuus makkoomaa.

Ei tätä poikoo hellyys haittaa ko akkoja huhkii laiasta laitaan.

Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen.

Sen minä sanon jotta purra pittää ei mua niin voan nielasta.

Suat männä ite vaikka lännestä ittään vaan minä en luovu Ievasta,

sillä ei tätä poikoo kainous haittaa sillon ko tanssii laiasta laitaan.

Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen.


Monday, October 09, 2006


why is it always during the oddest times of day or night that you
actually really need someone to take you into his or her arms and tell
you everythings gonna be alright? Usually when you cant even call anyone
and at least ask that person to say so?

I already wrote this article once more, a bit earlier. but opera started
bitching, so i am assuming it does not want to have the rest published.

One thing though.
I assume you know that before you have a surgery under general
anaesthetics you usually get some kind of pill to calm you down and to
prevent emotional stress because of fear (of what might happen). Did you
know that on some people this pill has the opposite effect? Meaning that
you basically go through an emotional hell?
Next time, i will decline taking that pill... it felt like .. all
emotions being let out at once, being so overwhelming - so scary - that
you just cant help but cry. A LOT. Severely. The nurses had quite a bad
job with calming me down, i dont know why they havent just put me to
sleep - i was on the table already anyways! (which made it no better.
but hey, i have seen the inside of the surgery room :))
The surgery this year (December again I reckon) will be very similar.
And about as dangerous, they can (for some reason, since they wont break
my skull this time) damage the same nerves, they can screw up my teeth,
etc etc. Even if it will be shorter and sparing the lymphatic drainage.
Ever had one of those? They are bearable - until they have to be
removed. My doc did it without removing the vacuum first.
those 20 seconds felt like 20 minutes, believe me ;)

But apart from that.. i am a very tough and strong girl. Honest.